What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 18:31
I was seconnd youngest,
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Would you let your partner cheat on you every now and again?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was 9 years of age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why am I so tired of the keto diet?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She wouldn,t have been !
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I have no regrets .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She married twice! .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We all went to grammer schools
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Who then, do I blame.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We were not on the streets..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Would this be the day?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It was going to be , some day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!